Opinions and Other Facts Podcast

I always thought that moving to Alaska would be the most boring thing ever.  That was before I met Valentina.   She changed my life – and dare I say… she changed… my DEATH.

My name is Paul.  I’m just an all American Midwest boy from Lebanon, Kansas.  I was actually born on the center of the USA marker to my mother and father – Sally and Tom Johnson.  I was the QB on the State Championship Lebanon Blue Devils football team.  I was dating the head cheerleader, Sally Thompson and I had just received my sweet letter jacket.  And then my world was flipped (turned upside down).  My father sat the family down (the family being myself, my sister Amy, and our dog Spot) and told us that we had to move to Barrow, Alaska.  My father is the head Professor of Archaeology for the Marshall Department of the U.S. Government.  He said that he was working on a top secret project that he couldn’t tell us about – but it had to do with top secret things in the ice.  Top secret VAMPIRE things.  All my dumb sister cared about is if she was going to be able to play volleyball and if she was going to be able to watch Pretty Little Liars in whatever igloo that we would be forced to live in.  I had more adult needs.  I wondered if condoms would work in the extreme temperatures, and how much more hair gel I needed.  But I didn’t ask them aloud, because I know how to use the internet.  Turns out that it’s better to not use a condom – in any circumstance – so that was handy information.  Also, you can’t actually use too much hair gel, so I’m good there.  Also, my dad gave me this necklace with a glowing amulet and told me to never take it off or whatever.  Stupid Amy cried like a baby, and for some reason all the yelling got my allergies up or something because my eyes started leaking.  But, we didn’t have a choice – my dad said he was threatened to have to be the guy that has to hand clean the holy treasure box that they found, and it was always dangerous to go alone.

So, my school threw me an awesome going away party with cake and music and dodge ball and shirts and skins wrestling, it was super fun.  Then we packed up the truck and drove to Alaska.  I knew something was up when I thought I saw the elk wink at me, but my dad just told me that I was dreaming and also why did I take off that necklace.  I told him he wasn’t the boss of me, but mom told me I was tearing this family apart, so I put it on to shut her up.  We made it to our new house, and the entire town was waiting at our door with cake and telling us that we should come over to play cards and stuff.  They pointed out the entire town and said that we could visit everywhere that the light touched.  They also said that for 6 months, the light touched everything all the time so the mayor gave us all sunglasses.  They pointed out one house at the end of the street that we shouldn’t go to because that was Valentina’s house and she maybe a sex offender or child molester or something – and also she glittered in the daylight and that was super strange.  All the hot girls in town gave me their number in notes that they shoved in my pocket… also there was a number by someone name Dave and also a note that said not to believe what they said about Valentina.  I put the phone numbers in my hot girl phone number jar and didn’t think another day about it.

Cut to the next day, and I was walking home from school after successfully defeating the previous head QB in hand to hand combat to take over the ice football team – when a strange lady walked up to me.  Her skin kind of glittered a bit, but I figured she was into arts and crafts, and her eyes had a strange icy glow to them.  She came close to me, and she brushed her hand across my cheek.  We were in love instantly and I knew that I had to impregnate her and provide her the baby that would save earth from the Elk people.   Then I realized that I didn’t have my necklace on and some Elk people transformed into hot warrior girls and attacked us.  One of them had super great abs and I was in love with her too – but the strange lady fought them all off and kissed me and took me running through some low bushes that we actually just kind of stepped over.  She was cold to the touch – when I asked her why she said that was a secret… and then she sang Let It Go a few times over and over until I had to start a new chapter…